EppsNet Archive: Crime

Amber Alerts

7 Jul 2017 /

I got an Amber Alert on my phone last night. The same Amber Alert is posted today on those lighted freeway billboards.

How did we decide that child abduction is the one activity that merits a notification to the entire country?

In this case, the woman in the photo, Kandice Johnson, stole a car at gunpoint with a 16-year-old boy in the back seat.

I’m going to feel ridiculously bad if this ends poorly, but for a 16-year-old boy, being kidnapped by a femme fatale like Kandice Johnson is maybe not the worst way to spend a few hours of your life . . .


Why Gun Control Can’t Be Solved

23 Jun 2016 /

On average, Democrats use guns for shooting the innocent. We call that crime.

On average, Republicans use guns for sporting purposes and self-defense. . . .

So it seems to me that gun control can’t be solved because Democrats are using guns to kill each other – and want it to stop – whereas Republicans are using guns to defend against Democrats. . . . Democrats are unlikely to talk Republicans out of gun ownership because it comes off as “Put down your gun so I can shoot you.”

 

Good points.

The NRA gets a bad rap in some circles but you never hear of an NRA member going out and shooting random people.

Meanwhile, Democratic constituencies are shooting each other like the Olympic Games of murder, which for some reason leads their representatives in Congress to insist that Republicans should have to give up on gun ownership.


Ruff Sex

27 Mar 2016 /

I assumed every woman with a dog (not just a wiener dog) is doing this, minus the videos of course . . .

Police charge that the South Carolina suspect got intimate with a Dachshund on her 23rd birthday…

Posted by The Smoking Gun on Friday, March 25, 2016


Programmer or Parolee?

15 Mar 2016 /

Our office building is next door to a probation field office . . .

I have a game I play in the parking lot each morning: Programmer or Parolee. I spot someone, guess if he’s here for a programming challenge or a meeting with his parole officer, then wait to see if he shows up in our office.

If a methed-out skinhead comes in for a programming challenge, I lose today’s game.


Teaching Prisoners to Code: What Could Go Wrong?

22 Feb 2016 /

What could go wrong here? Criminal minds + coding skills = ???

One of my favorite Mr. Boffo cartoons shows a gang of robbers in a bank in the Old West . . . one of the robbers says to another, “Someday this will all be done by computer.”

What an inspiring program to solve a big and growing U.S. problem.

Posted by Code.org on Sunday, February 21, 2016


Learn How to Get a Man From a Woman With 14 Husbands

9 Apr 2015 /

Woman Married 14 Men

Bobbi Ann House

My first thought was that this woman should write a book. There are a lot of books out there about how to get a man, how to get a husband . . . how does one assess the credibility of the advice?

Normally a woman who’s markedly overweight and doesn’t have a single attractive feature can’t even get a date, let alone alone a husband, and yet this woman’s had 14 of them! How does she do it?! Who wouldn’t like to know her secret? I would!

Paste her grinning mug on the cover — the woman with 14 husbands! — and the book sells itself. Her upcoming jail term should give her plenty of time to write it.


The Last Straw

7 Apr 2015 /

http://www.nj.com/bergen/index.ssf/2015/04/100-year-old_man_killed_sleeping_wife_with_axe_fat.html

It’s never just one thing. Incidents accumulate over time.

We’d all murder our spouses if we lived long enough . . .


Carjacking Diversity

20 Mar 2015 /

Female carjacking suspect

Carjacking is like STEM in that it’s a profession in which women are seriously underrepresented so I celebrate this woman as a champion of diversity and inclusiveness.


Suspect’s Outburst Stuns Courtroom!

5 Feb 2015 /

Suspect's outburst stuns courtroom

I clicked through on this . . . it turns out he’s on trial for murdering two police officers . . . and people are stunned by his irrational behavior? His lack of self-control? An outburst?! In a courtroom?! What a breach of decorum!


Women Need to Get Into New Professions Where They Can Be Shot

30 Oct 2014 /

Robbery headline

A man in Texas shot two people breaking into his home, which probably wouldn’t be terribly newsworthy except that the two people were both women.

Armed robbery is like technology and engineering in that it’s a profession in which women are seriously underrepresented so I endorse this as a step forward for diversity and inclusiveness.


Giving Clergy the Benefit of the Doubt

26 Jun 2014 /

Seattle Archdiocese to pay $12 million to settle child sex abuse claimsMSN News

Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they didn’t know that sex with children is wrong.


Don’t Apologize

27 Apr 2014 /

Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Cleveland Kidnapping Victims Joke

Good for her! I’m tired of people’s phony apologies for doing or saying something they damn well meant to do or say.

In fact, not only did she not apologize, she added an additional zinger:

“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re okay. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'”


Death Row Headlines We’d Like to See

19 Mar 2014 /

I saw this headline on MSN News this morning:

Texas Set to Execute Aspiring Rapper

Here’s an undated photo of the musical murderer:

Ray Jasper

Ray Jasper

The fact that he was an aspiring rapper seems comically irrelevant to the fact that he was convicted of slitting a man’s throat — which didn’t kill him — and then stabbing him — which did.

Some future Death Row headlines we might expect to see from MSN:

  • Texas Set to Execute Aspiring Comic with 37 Twitter Followers
  • Texas Set to Execute Amateur Banjo Player
  • Texas Set to Execute Man With Irritating Laugh

A (Nearly) Perfect Murder

14 Sep 2013 /

A Montana woman was charged on Monday with killing her husband of eight days by pushing him off a cliff at Glacier National Park during an argument and after expressing doubts about the marriage, court records show.

Jordan Graham, 22, was charged with second-degree murder in U.S. District Court in Missoula stemming from the July 7 death of her husband, Cody Johnson, 25, of Kalispell. . . .

Graham on July 11 reported to emergency dispatchers at Glacier National Park that she had found her husband’s body below a steep hiking path. It was not immediately clear how far he had fallen.

Graham later admitted to authorities that she had lied about Johnson’s death and that she had shoved him off a cliff during an argument while hiking.

Jordan Graham taking a page from my playbook, in which I postulated years ago that the best way to murder someone and get away with it would be to push them off a cliff, because it would be very hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the fall wasn’t accidental.

Maybe I should have added, although it seems obvious, “unless you confess to the crime.”

On the flip side: Don’t get into an argument with your spouse when you’re standing at the edge of a cliff.


Were They Boxers?

12 Aug 2013 /
Tags: , ,

Profiling

6 Aug 2013 /
Burglar

The office park where my a friend of mine works was burglarized over the weekend. Surveillance cameras captured the whole operation.

“They were Mexicans,” he said. “They look like professionals. They were wearing hats and jackets so you couldn’t see their build or anything.”

“So how are you identifying them as Mexicans if you couldn’t see them?” I asked. “Because they were stealing stuff?”


Praying vs. Screaming: A Comparative Analysis

7 May 2013 /

Did you hear about these three women in Cleveland who were kidnapped and held in a house for 10 years?

Reunion

They were rescued on Monday of this week when one of the women screamed through a small opening in the front door, “I need help! I need help! I have been kidnapped for 10 years.” Two men in the neighborhood heard her screaming, kicked the door in and the women were able to escape.

(Why it took 10 years to think up the Scream for Help strategy, I don’t know. I wish the reporter had asked about that.)

A childhood friend of one of the women said, “I’m so thankful, God is good. I’ve been praying. Never forgot about her, ever.”

So let’s see . . . 10 years of prayer = no results. Screaming for help = instant results.

I know some wiseass is going to say that prayer did bring results because God sent someone to kick the door in, but did he have to wait 10 years to do it? It’s a good thing the guys who heard the screams didn’t take 10 years to mull over their next move . . .


Now You Know Why Democrats Oppose Voter ID Laws

22 Aug 2012 /
Your Vote Counts

In a story ignored by the national media, in April a Tunica County, Miss., jury convicted NAACP official Lessadolla Sowers on 10 counts of fraudulently casting absentee ballots.

Sowers received a five-year prison term for each of the 10 counts, but Circuit Court Judge Charles Webster permitted Sowers to serve those terms concurrently, according to the Tunica Times, the only media outlet to cover the sentencing.

Sowers was found guilty of voting in the names of Carrie Collins, Walter Howard, Sheena Shelton, Alberta Pickett, Draper Cotton and Eddie Davis. She was also convicted of voting in the names of four dead persons: James L. Young, Dora Price, Dorothy Harris, and David Ross.


You’ll Never Take Me Alive

21 Aug 2012 /

Ex-con who reportedly vowed not to be taken alive shot to death LA Daily News

To live outside the law you must be honest, as Bob Dylan has rightly pointed out. He may have been a violent, drug-addled thief, but he was a man of his word, and that’s important.


Things to Do in Cincinnati When You’re Bored

15 Aug 2012 /
Pat Mahaney

Cops: Teens beat man because ‘they were just bored’NBCNews.com

Strange piece of “journalism” from NBC News . . . basically just a rewrite of a story in the Cincinnati Enquirer in which a 45-year-old man named Pat Mahaney received a senseless, brutal beating from six boys, ages 13 and 14:

Mahaney was taken to Mercy Mount Airy Hospital, where he was treated for four days before being released Tuesday. Police said doctors had to insert a tube down his throat to remove all of the blood from his stomach.

A tube remained in his right nostril as blood continued to seep out of his head, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, and his left eye is heavily blackened.

Police said the teens admitted that Mahaney had done nothing to provoke being kicked and punched repeatedly in the face while he lay helpless on the ground. One of the boys allegedly told police they only stopped assaulting Mahaney when a neighbor began yelling at them and said he was calling police.

The strange thing about the NBC article, though, is that it deletes information about the race of the kids, which is in the Enquirer article:

“It was a heinous crime but it was not a hate crime,” said North College Hill Police Chief Gary Foust of the teens, who are all black.

He said several residents have called police inquiring if Mahaney was specifically targeted because he is white. He was not, the chief stressed.

Two questions:

  1. If the boys were white and the victim black, would NBC have deleted that information?
  2. Do the boys look like President Obama’s son would look if he had one?

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