EppsNet Archive: Fast Food

If I Were a Cardiologist

I drove through Carl’s Jr. for lunch . . . “Would you like to try a Triple Bacon Cheeseburger?” the girl asked. Triple?! A triple bacon burger!? The burger itself is 1,300 calories. If you go with the combo, it’s well over 2,000 calories. If I were a cardiologist, I’d be sending a thank you note to whoever thought this up . . . Read more →

Sometimes I Get My Product Names Mixed Up

Driving through McDonald’s this morning . . . “Hi, I’d like a Big Mac and an iced coffee please.” “We don’t have Big Macs right now.” “You don’t have Big Macs?!“ “Not till 10:30.” “You won’t have Big Macs till 10:30?!“ “It’s breakfast right now.” “Wait . . . did I say Big Mac? I meant Egg McMuffin. Do you have those?” “Yes.” “Excellent!” Read more →

A Bite of Nostalgia

I drove through Carl’s Jr. today for lunch . . . “Would you like to try a Western Bacon Cheeseburger?” the girl asked. “Yes, that sounds good.” The Western Bacon Cheeseburger was a favorite of mine when it was introduced in the early 1980s. A taste of nostalgia! I was tempted when I got to the window to ask why she’d recommended a Western Bacon Cheeseburger and not some new-fangled menu item as is customary, but I was afraid she’d say they just had a couple lying around and needed to get rid of them . . . Read more →

Management Tips From the Pros: Put the Best Employees on the Drive-Thru Window

If you manage a fast food restaurant and you’re reading this, I beseech you to put your best employees at the drive-thru window to mitigate problems that wouldn’t arise in a face-to-face transaction. For example, I drove through Del Taco today for lunch . . . after the obligatory “Hi, welcome to Del Taco, would you like to try our new Queso Something-or-other,” I said “No, thank you, I’d like a Spicy Grilled Chicken Burrito and a large Coke Zero.” “Would you like a churro or something sweet for dessert?” “No but thanks for asking.” “OK, your total is . . .” After several seconds of silence, I decided to pull forward, give her some time to work through the math, and get the total at the window. After I’d gone about 10 feet, I heard her say “Wait, you wanted a burrito?” The car behind me hadn’t moved up,… Read more →

Lesson Learned at the Drive-Thru

This Coke Zero I got at the Del Taco drive-thru tastes more like root beer than any other Coke Zero I’ve ever had. Possibly the guy in front of me or behind me is wondering right now why his root beer tastes like Coke Zero. Note to self: In future visits to fast food drive-thrus, take a sip of the drink before driving off with it. Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! Friends have asked my opinion of the new Diablo hot sauce from Taco Bell . . . I love the name! You call that hot?! See you in Hell . . . Read more →

The Day is Off to a Disappointing Start

After I already ordered and paid for my breakfast taco and extra large Diet Pepsi at Del Taco, the girl informs me that they’re out of extra large cups. “I can’t believe it,” she says. “And I already charged you for it!” “Hmmm . . . just give me a large then, if you have any large cups around.” “I’m so sorry. Next time you’re here, I’ll give you a free one.” “The extra large soda really holds the whole morning together for me.” “I know, I’m a big soda drinker myself. My boyfriend is too and so is my dad. He lives on extra large sodas.” “Drinking extra large sodas is one of the great pleasures of life, in my opinion.” “The large cup feels small in your hand, doesn’t it?” “It does. I like things that feel big in my hand.” Very disappointing. This never happens at Taco… Read more →

How to Tell if Your Food Server is a Robot

I’ve been reading some articles recently about increased use of robots in the food service industry. I think we had a robot server the other day at the Jack in the Box drive-thru. My boy ordered a medium Mountain Dew with his meal and I ordered a large Coke Zero with mine. “Which one is the Mountain Dew” I asked the woman (robot) at the window as she handed us the drinks. “The medium one,” she said. Only a robot would answer the question that way. A human would say “The yellow one.” Because it’s a dopey question and a human recognizes why it’s a dopey question and answers accordingly. The robot only knows that the medium drink is the Mountain Dew and the large drink is the Coke Zero. Read more →

I Can Still Eat

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! My owner bought each of us a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A. He’s a fast eater but I ate my whole sandwich before he was even half way done with his! I’m very old now. I can hardly see, hear or walk. But my eating ability has not dropped off AT ALL! — Lightning Read more →

Eat Mor Chikin

I like Chick-fil-A. I like that they put people with a mastery of English at the drive-thru, and I especially like that, unlike every other fast food outlet, they never ask me if I’d like to try the latest menu item. Carl’s Jr. is the worst offender in this area. They seem to constantly have new items on both the breakfast menu and the regular menu so no matter what hour of the day I show up, they have something to force feed me. “You have a huge picture of that item right here on the menu. It’s not like I’m unaware of its existence. Why can’t you just let me order what I want to order and stop badgering me?” It’s rude. They don’t do it face to face because they know it’s rude. They don’t “would you like to try” you if you get out of your car… Read more →

Minimum Wage Proposal: $0.00

You can’t make ends meet on 8 bucks an hour? I can see where that would be a problem. When did fast food jobs become jobs for family breadwinners? Fast-food jobs are for high-school kids. You want to make $15 an hour? Simple: get a job that pays $15 an hour. What’s stopping you? Other than your lack of skills, education, motivation and accomplishments? If no employer is willing to pay you $15 an hour, then guess what? You’re not worth $15 an hour. You need to do something about that. Why is $15 an hour the magic number? Why not $16? Or $17? Why not $50 an hour? At $50 an hour, everyone would make a nice 6-figure income and poverty would be a thing of the past, right? If you raise the price of a product or service, the demand for the product or service goes down —… Read more →

Japan, Day 8: Walking in Tokyo

Things you notice when walking in Tokyo . . . 1) There are lots and lots of people . . . 2) Most of them are not very tall . . . 3) Because there are a lot of people in a small amount of space (even though they are small people), Tokyo is built to take advantage of vertical space. For example, I’ve never seen a two- or three-story fast food restaurant in the U.S. but they’re common in Tokyo. Businesses that usually are two or three stories in the U.S., like department stores, in Tokyo are eight or ten stories. Flying back home tomorrow . . . sayonara! Read more →

A $15 Minimum Wage is Not Going to Help You

Fast Food Workers Will Strike On Thursday In L.A. : LAist Fast food workers staged a one-day strike for “living wages.” More specifically, they want the federal minimum wage to be raised from $7.25 an hour to $15. You want to make a living wage? I’ll tell you how to make a living wage. I’ve had a lot of jobs and this method has never failed me. Here it is: Before accepting a job offer, you always ask yourself, “Does this job pay enough for me to live on?” And if the answer is no, then you don’t take that job. If you want to earn $15 an hour, do what I do: get a job that pays $15 an hour. Who’s stopping you? If no one’s willing to pay you $15 an hour, it’s because the skills, intelligence and motivation that you bring to the table don’t allow you… Read more →

At the Drive-Thru

“Hi, would you like to try our new [insert product name here]?” “Do you think I’ll like it?” “Uh, I don’t know.” “Then why are you recommending it? Don’t you want me to be happy?” Read more →

The Aliens Have Landed in Irvine

It’s about one in the afternoon at the Irvine In-N-Out Burger. A guy who looks to be in his early 20s comes in wearing a backward baseball cap, dark sunglasses (which he never removes) and — despite a temperature in the high 80s — a pullover sweater. To simplify the storytelling, let’s call this guy Alf. Alf waits in line, places his order, then immediately walks over and stands in front of the pickup counter. The place is packed, and I can tell from looking at the number on my own ticket that there are about 10 more orders ahead of me, and since I ordered before him, there are about 15 more orders ahead of Alf, so there’s no reason for him to be standing at — in fact, leaning on — the pickup counter. After a few moments, the kid at the pickup counter asks Alf what his… Read more →

Taco Warmer

Photo by supjchwa2 “Jack in the Box tacos have to be eaten when they’re hot, so when I buy them at the drive-thru, I also buy a bag of french fries, set the fries on top of the tacos and use them as a taco warmer to keep the tacos hot until I get them home and eat them.” “Do you eat the fries as well?” “No, I don’t eat the fries. I just use them to keep the tacos warm.” “The french fries keep the tacos warm?’ “Right.” “What keeps the french fries warm?” Read more →

At the McDonald’s Drive-Thru Window

The girl hands me my lunch and says, “How are you doing sir thanks for waiting here’s your order bye.” “Too fast. I didn’t even tell you how I’m doing yet.” Read more →

Stick to the Script. Don’t Ad Lib.

I’m at the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, and in keeping with the time-honored fast food tradition of having the person with the worst command of the English language and/or the most unintelligible accent work the drive-thru, the guy says, “Welcome to Carl’s Jr. Would you like to try [unintelligible] patty [unintelligible]?” “What?” “Welcome to Carl’s Jr. . . .” Read more →