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I’m taking a nap upstairs but I’m hearing noises from downstairs. When I hear a noise, I have to estimate how likely it is to be food-related, and how likely it is if I get up and go downstairs I’ll be able to get some of it.

I can stay right here and snooze. That’s a sure thing. Or I can go downstairs and try to get some food. But if I get up and go downstairs and I don’t get any food, then a good nap has been spoiled.

I have to do this estimation every time I hear a noise.

Being a dog is not as easy as people think.

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I’m listening to a couple of women talking about their new beaus and who should pay for the dinner dates in a budding relationship.

Man pays? Take turns? 50/50?

For what it’s worth, ladies, back when I was dating, I paid for the food, but depending on how the rest of the evening played out, I might have to say, “In that case, pay me back for the sandwiches.”

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When there’s BBQ ribs to be eaten, it’s every man for himself.

Wait, that’s sexist. Let me rephrase.

When there’s BBQ ribs to be eaten, it’s every mf’er for themselves.

Happy Labor Day!

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Office email:

A friendly reminder that all refrigerators will be cleaned out this Sunday. Please take anything home that you do not want thrown out.

I do not want this carton of Macadamia Vanilla Bean ice cream to be thrown out.

Wait — does it matter if I brought the item in, or just that I don’t want it to be thrown out?

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No related posts were found, so here's a consolation prize: Overheard.

“There’s a slice of pizza missing,” my son announces.

When I got home from work, there were two slices left over from last night. I ate one and left one for him.

“I calibrated my appetite for two slices,” he says.

“The pessimist,” I say, “sees that there’s one slice missing. The optimist sees that there’s one slice left.”

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No related posts were found, so here's a consolation prize: Notes from the Asylum.

Most people who’ve seen the way I eat are afraid to get their hands anywhere near my mouth but my owner sometimes feeds me treats out of his hand.

The treat can be in the fingers or in the palm. Either way, I can grab it almost faster than the human eye can detect, and I never bite the hand . . .

— Lightning

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Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

Dinner time is my favorite time of the day! Delicious food moves from the kitchen to the dining room table and if anyone turns their back on it for a second, I launch myself onto a chair and grab some.

Tonight I got a tasty chunk of salmon!

“Lightning is a bad dog,” the boy says. “Joseph’s dog never tries to eat their food.”

“Lightning is an alpha dog,” my owner says, “and alpha dogs eat first. Joseph’s dog is a pussy. He’s so far down the chain of dominance, there aren’t enough letters in the Greek alphabet to categorize him.”

— Lightning

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Let this be a lesson to all of you regarding pugs and food . . .

— Lightning

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via Deadspin

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My son bites into one of his donettes . . .

“Do you ever eat the whole donette in one bite?” I ask him, popping an entire donette into my mouth.

“No,” he says.

“You’re missing out.”

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LION: At these prices, I’m not surprised.

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