Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.
EppsNet Archive: Death
Satan Takes a Message for Ted Kennedy
Kara Kennedy, the oldest child of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy, died suddenly Friday evening at a Washington-area health club, NBC News reported. Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy confirmed the death of his 51-year-old sister, adding “she’s with dad.” — msnbc.com She’s not here, Patrick, but I’ll pass the news along to Teddy. Heard any good Chappaquidick jokes lately? Read more →
What Would People Say?
‘Spartacus’ star Andy Whitfield dies of lymphoma at 39 Whitfield’s wife, Vashti, in a statement called her husband a “beautiful young warrior” who died on a “sunny Sydney morning” in the “arms of his loving wife.” — msn.com Never heard of him. Also, his wife’s remarks are a tad self-serving, but they did get me to thinking what people would say in the event of my own untimely demise. Best case: “He was a pain in the ass but at least he was interesting.” More likely: “He was a pain in the ass. Once in a great while, he said something interesting. You had to wait for it.” Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People Who “Rescued” Their Dog How did you rescue it? Run into a burning warehouse? Punch a bear in the face? No — you got the dog at the pound because you’re too cheap to buy one. Read more →
Whitewater Adventures are for Pussies, or: A Rube in a Tube
A man from West Plains, Mo., has been found dead floating in the Meramec River after he disappeared from a tubing trip. Gregory L. Spurling, 55, was pronounced dead at about 12:50 a.m. Monday in Crawford County. — stltoday.com Kudos to Gregory L. Spurling, formerly of West Plains, Mo. — a real American! Frankly, I’m sick of these soft yuppie bastards who pay big money for “whitewater adventures” and pass themselves off as thrillseekers. Those trips are no more dangerous than a raft ride at Disney World. Riding down a river in an inner tube — now that’s excitement! You might die! Especially if your judgment’s been impaired by the consumption of alcohol. Don’t forget the sunscreen! Read more →
Pregnant Woman Mauled to Death by Pug
Ha ha, just kidding . . . it was a pit bull — again. Reports: Pet pit bull mauls pregnant Calif. woman to death — msnbc.com Her dad said, “She lived her own life, no matter what anyone else said.” Probably everyone said that pit bulls are dangerous so she decided to get one. How’s that working out for you? If you own a pit bull, you also need to have a pug to keep the pit bull in line. — Lightning Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
John Astin – actor Bill Dana – actor Fats Domino – rock and roll pioneer Don Larsen – baseball player, NY Yankees Bill Macy – actor Roger Mudd – TV journalist Della Reese – singer, actress Dale Robertson – actor Mickey Rooney – actor Jerry Van Dyke – actor Bill Virdon – baseball manager Earl Weaver – baseball manager, Baltimore Orioles Updates Bill Dana – died 6/15/2017, age 92 Fats Domino – died 10/25/2017, age 89 Don_Larsen – died 1/1/2020, age 90 Bill Macy – died 10/17/2019, age 97 Roger Mudd – died 3/9/2021, age 93 Della Reese – died 11/19/2017, age 86 Dale Robertson – died 2/26/2013, age 89 Mickey Rooney – died 4/6/2014, age 93 Jerry Van Dyke – died 1/5/2018, age 86 Earl Weaver – died 1/18/2013, age 82 Read more →
He thought: I didn’t say the right words. Why do I never find the right words? The man needed help and I recited a formula. God forgive me. Will someone only give me a formula too when I come to die? — Graham Greene, Monsignor Quixote
Aside
Daily Affirmation: If you’re reading this, then nothing you’ve encountered so far has killed you.
Amy Winehouse, 1983-2011
Amy Winehouse found dead aged 27 in London home — The Observer I know what they say about death and taxes but I don’t want to be “found dead.” It sounds dismal. For musicians, 27 seems to be a good age to die. Read more →
Dick Williams, 1929 – 2011
Hall of Fame manager Dick Williams, who won two World Series titles with Oakland and led two other franchises to pennants, has died. He was 82. — Associated Press Williams also managed our local club, the Angels, although he was better known for his work with other teams. I remember he once said to an umpire, “They’re not just booing that call. They’re booing your whole career.” RIP Dick Williams Read more →
Enjoying Life to the Fullest
FARGO — An eyewitness here says a Fourth of July fireworks accident decapitated a Fargo man Monday night. Police identified the victim as Jesse William Burley, a 41-year-old father of two, who enjoyed life to its fullest, said Burley’s stepfather Chuck Asplin of Fargo. — Grand Forks Herald If by “enjoyed life to the fullest,” you mean “had no fucking sense.” He died doing what he loved — being a complete asshole. Maybe I can’t say that I enjoy life to the fullest, but at least my head is still attached to my shoulders . . . Read more →
Man Protesting Motorcycle Helmet Laws Dies From Head Injury
Town of Onondaga, NY — A Parish man who was participating in a motorcycle helmet protest ride was killed this afternoon when he went over the handlebars of his motorcycle and injured his head on the pavement, state police said. — syracuse.com Posting this for the irony, not because I think helmet laws are a good thing. Should we require people to wear crash helmets in their cars? It would save a lot more lives than motorcycle helmet laws. Hard-working Americans should not be forced to protect themselves from fatal head injuries. FREEDOM! Read more →
Now he would never write the things that he had saved to write until he knew enough to write them well. — Ernest Hemingway, “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”
Live Like a Jackass, Die Like a Jackass
To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree. The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him. I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass? Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party. One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed. The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man… Read more →
Graduation Still Life
Time passes. Listen. Time passes. . . . — Dylan Thomas, Under Milk Wood Unlike Paul Cézanne, I didn’t spend hours setting this up. I captured it just the way it looked when I came downstairs this morning. As one chapter ends, another begins. For the kids — most of them — the next chapter is college; for the parents, old age and death. Happy Thursday, everybody! Read more →
Dog Problems
I got an email today from a confused person who says that “any dog of any breed can have bad temperament, poor training and poor socialization, and can therefore be a problem.” Fair enough, but there are “problems” and then there are problems, and if you don’t account for the size and strength of the breed, you’ve got a pretty silly argument on your hands. In our neighborhood, we have an angry Chihuahua with a crazy owner. The owner is crazy and the dog is crazy. We see them sometimes when I’m out walking Lightning. The dog yaps and yaps and strains at the leash and Lightning just looks at him like, “You’ve got to be kidding.” A poorly socialized Chihuahua doesn’t create the kind of problem that anyone really cares about. On the other hand, there’s another aggressive dog — a pit bull mix, much bigger than a Chihuahua.… Read more →
People Who Died Last Week
It was a busy week for the Grim Reaper . . . Seve Ballesteros, golfer Osama bin Laden Jackie Cooper, actor Arthur Laurents, playwright. Wrote West Side Story, among other things. David Mason, trumpeter. Played the trumpet solo on “Penny Lane.” Sada Thompson, actress. Played Kate Lawrence on Family. Dana Wynter, actress. That’s her in the photo, from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Read more →
Satan on Osama bin Laden
My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →
Newseum: Osama bin Laden Killed by U.S. Special Forces
800 front pages from 77 countries: Newseum: Osama bin Laden Killed by U.S. Special Forces Read more →