I took my son to the new Landscape Confection exhibit at the Orange County Museum of Art today. I don’t know much about art, but I do have a couple rules of thumb: Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Kids
Winning Through Intimidation
My wife is a sales agent for Auto Club insurance. She’s using a little after-dinner quiet time to review the monthly Top Producers document. She’s always around the top, but because she took a two-week vacation recently, she dropped down the list this month to around number 30 — still not bad out of hundreds of agents. Our son, however, is not impressed. Read more →
No Pants
My 12-year-old son just got out of the shower and settled into his bed for a few games of Solitaire on his iPod. His mom is not happy that he didn’t bother to put any clothes on. “Wear some pants,” she says to him. “No pants!” he yells. “I’m free!” Read more →
Earthquake Preparedness
A colleague of mine had a vacation planned, visiting some friends out of state. Then a psychic told her that an earthquake would strike California during that week, so she cancelled the vacation to stay home with her family. If I really believed that an earthquake was going to hit on a certain date, I’d make sure that I was out of town. Of course, I’d hope that my child made it through okay. And my dog. As for my wife, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship that a couple tons of rubble wouldn’t fix. Read more →
Ask a 7th Grader
My son is dancing around the family room with a football in his hand, some sort of wild, extended touchdown celebration for no reason at all that I can see. “Shouldn’t you be using this time to study for your social studies test?” I suggest helpfully. Read more →
Why I Don’t Own a Hatchet or a Gun
I’m in the processing of converting all the old content here into WordPress, which among other things, lets me assign categories to each item. I filed one item, principally about a woman who ran over her husband with a car, under several categories, including Murder and Kids. My son, who’s sitting next to me on the sofa doing homework, says, “You’re posting stuff about murdering kids?!” I say, “No, it’s about murdering husbands.” “You’re posting stuff about kids murdering husbands?!” “No, it’s about wives murdering husbands, which happens a lot, unfortunately.” “It would happen around here if Mom had a hatchet or a gun.” “That’s exactly why we don’t have those things.” Read more →
Are People Getting Fatter?
My wife’s car has preference settings for each driver. When I drive it, I get in, push a button, and the seat moves into position automatically — no manual effort required. “In the future, people are going to be really fat,” my son says. “People are pretty fat now,” I point out. “They’re going to be fatter because they don’t have to do anything.” “George Jetson isn’t fat.” “He’s kind of fat.” “He’s not fat.” “Maybe I’m thinking of Fred Flintstone.” “Fred Flintstone is fat, but he’s from the past — which kind of discredits your theory, if you think about it.” Read more →
Secret Griefs and Fears
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. — Francis Bacon, “Of Parents and Children” Our son turned 12 in July . . . “I almost cried today,” my wife says. “Every year, I take Casey to the pumpkin patch and I take the best photo, but when we drove by today, he didn’t want to go . . .” Read more →
The Dog Who Has Everything
Today is our dog’s second birthday, my son informs me. “Every day is a birthday for that dog,” I say. “We didn’t get him any gifts,” the boy says. Read more →
Great Orators of the 7th Grade
I can’t really hear what my son is holding forth on downstairs — just snippets about tyranny, racism, slavery, Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman, civil rights and child abuse — which means his mom must have asked him to turn off the TV and get started on homework . . . Read more →
Republicans Cause Sneezing?
My son is standing in the kitchen like he’s about to make an announcement. Suddenly . . . “Ah-CHOO!” “Geez, man,” I say, “you just sneeze like that without making any effort to lift your hand up and block it?” “Did the people in New Orleans make an effort to block Hurricane Katrina?” he asks in a loud voice. “NO! They just let it happen and blamed President Bush!” Read more →
Micromanagement
I don’t know where my 12-year-old kid learned the concept of micromanagement, but he’s launched into a speech on the topic: “This is beyond micromanagement!” he says. “This is proton-level management! No, wait, it’s negative, so it’s electron management!” This is occasioned by the fact that we’ve asked him to stop playing video games and take a shower . . . Read more →
HW Solves the Problem of Poverty in America
According to a U.S. Census report released yesterday, the nation’s poverty rate rose in 2004 for the fourth straight year. Read more →
A 12-Year-Old Emails the Pope
Did you know that the pope has an email address? I wonder if he has a blog too? If my son were to send a greeting to the Holy Father, I imagine it would look something this: $71!! $(4r3d 70 (h4!!3ng3 m3 w17h l337 4? w3!! 1 93$$ U j5$7 dun 907 17 1n y4 y0, unl1|{3 m3, wh0 h4$ 907 d4 m4d $|{1!!$ n3d4%, n371m3! U d5n 907 n0 $|{1!! y0, 5 4 $71ff, 4 w4nn4b3, 7h0. u (4n7 (0n741n m3 n3d4y, n0 r34$0n n0 w4y. 1 907 d4 p0w3r, 1m (0n73n7 1n my 4(710n$… 1 907 n0 7r0ubl3 1n $|{00L1n u 4nd n0 7r0ubL3 w17 fr4(710n$. 1f U ju$7 L1$73n 70 m3 4nd j5$7 4lr43dy 91v3 17 up… 1 d4 L337 m4$74 d00d, 1 d4 f47h4. 1m d4 b19 D099, u d4 PUP! lol, lmbo, rotfl, hahahahahaha!!! i rok… Read more →
The Jennings Boys
I’m dropping my son off at a UC Irvine sports camp. We drive past some construction workers and I heckle them through my rolled-up window so they can’t hear me. “Closest you guys ever got to a college campus, huh?” I say. “They’re probably high school dropouts like Peter Jennings. I hate to speak negatively about the recently deceased, but Peter Jennings was not that bright. He used to say that he learned something new every day, but that’s easy if you don’t know very much to begin with.” “Ken Jennings is smart,” my son chimes in. Read more →
Driving the Plane
My son is listening to his iPod as we take off from Tampa, heading back to Orange County. We’ve been cautioned to turn off electronic devices during takeoff. Read more →
NARCh – Day 4
Semifinal – 1:35 P.M. vs. NW Rebels The NW Rebels are from Oregon. We saw them play a little bit in the round-robin games. They have one very talented kid, but hockey is a team game. Final score: Bulls 8, Rebels 0. Read more →
NARCh – Day 3
Game 4 – 9:00 A.M. vs. Mission Cooler Selects The Selects are from Georgia. They fall behind 2-0 on the first shift and go downhill from there. Final score: Bulls 8, Selects 0. Read more →
NARCh – Day 2
Game 3 – 9:00 A.M. vs. Extreme Wolfpack Extreme Wolfpack is from New Jersey, Like the Bulls, they are 2-0 so far in the tournament. Final score: Bulls 4, Wolfpack 1. Read more →
NARCh – Day 1
My son’s team, MPC Bulls Blue, is playing in the NARCh 12-and-under Squirt Silver division. Sixteen teams qualified in this division. Each team will play four round-robin games, after which the top eight teams will be seeded into the quarterfinals. Read more →